Swinepocalypse.com

Apple iPhone developer IntuApps has announced an iPhone app that will enable you to watch the progress of Swine Flu across the surface of the glob — conveniently from the palm of your hand.

Via TechCrunch.

Some of us would rather die from Swine Flu than be forced to walk around in public with those awful surgical masks. Fortunately, Gizmodo has found a way to both protect your image and your life.

Gizmodo also has a list of 10 gadgets guaranteed to protect you from Swine Flu.

Swine Flu — more properly known as influenza Type-P 2009 N1H1 spongiform encephalopathy — is a highly contagious bioweapon created in a CIA laboratory by the same team who developed polio in 1954.

Tips to keep from contracting Swine Flu:

• Shower before and after meals.
• Instead of shaking hands, bow.
• Drink nothing but vermouth.
• Quarantine children (or “vectors”) in their rooms.
• Seal windows and doors with Scotch tape.
• If a family member becomes infected, drive them into the desert and abandon them to the Will of Shai-hulud.

Gerald Ford (35th president of the United States) was diagnosed in 1976 with Swine Flu. After the disease claimed six members of his staff, the CDC and NSA covered up the White House outbreak.

The photo at right shows Ford being injected with the experimental vaccine that caused the infection.

Even LEGO geeks know that the end is near. A guy who goes by the appropriate name Dr. Sinister built this scene:

Via The Brothers Brick.

Here is how to diagnose yourself if you think you might have swine flu:

• Respiratory symptoms: You sneeze uncontrollably, especially around animals.
• Food: You’ve eaten bacon or pork in the last 48 hours.
• Travel: You’ve traveled to infected countries in the last six months, such as Australia and Brazil.
• Vectors: You have children who go to school.
• Behavior: You snort when you laugh.
• Mental state: You begin to think that Miss Piggy looks sexy.

If you meet two or more of these criteria, you probably have swine flu and should take appropriate nutritional supplements and shower frequently.

Miss Piggy of the Muppets was the first fictional character known to have contracted Swine Flu. She contracted the illness after visiting relatives between the 1980 and 1981 seasons of “The Muppet Show”.

She is known to have infected Kermit the Frog, her physician Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, puppeteer Frank Oz, and Yoda (via Frank Oz).

When Yoda died in Return of the Jedi, it was after a long battle with Swine Flu. Miss Piggy is therefore singlehandedly responsible for the loss of thousands of years of Jedi wisdom from the years of the Old Republic.